The Avengers: The eBay Wars
by ThePro-LifeCatholic
Summary: With "Infinity Wars" so far away, some family members and I decided to help relieve the stress of waiting with a few spoilers on what's going to happen in those films. The Infinity Gauntlet is within Thanos' reach, and he'll do anything to get it, no matter what the cost. Of course, the Avengers are just as willing to pay any price to keep this item from falling into evil hands.


**Hey, all!**

 **Man, I'm surprised I haven't written more fanfics for the** _ **Avengers**_ **fanbase…seeing as I like (almost) all the movies…**

 **ANYhoo, this is a ridiculous scenario that my younger sister, brother, and I came up with (the same brother who helped me with another one-shot of mine,** _ **When Life Gives You Lemons**_ **). We came up with this at 9-something at night, and we were a bit slap-happy. Just bear with us, folks.**

 **In short, it's how we think** _ **Avengers: Infinity Wars**_ **should REALLY play out.**

 **I hope you guys enjoy! And don't forget to leave a review!**

 **God bless and have a great day (or night)!  
ThePro-LifeCatholic**

* * *

 **EDIT: I realized that I was spelling eBay incorrectly. Sorry 'bout that, it's fixed now. :)**

* * *

 _Avengers: Infinity Wars_

 _(How it REALLY should go)_

 _(Seriously…someone get Joss Whedon on the phone or something…)_

* * *

"…And so you've got it real easy," Director Fury concluded his long story. "Thinkin' you've got it rough, but that's what _I_ needed to do when _I_ had to take out the trash during my younger days in S.H.I.E.L.D."

The Avengers team was sprawled on different couches/chairs/the floor of one of the many rooms of the S.H.I.E.L.D. helecarrier. And they were quite fed up with the two-hour-long sermon that the director had just conducted. Alright, so things were harder for him; what was the big deal?

"I'm not sure if that story was even true," Clint pointed out, polishing his bow.

"How could you have built a working transport in someone's basement, while learning the native language of the country, in under two weeks?" Bruce Banner wanted to know. He and Tony had stopped listening sometime in the middle of the rant, and were busily planning science together.

"It seems equivalent to slave labor," Thor reasoned.

"I merely did what was expected of me," Fury said dramatically, looking into the distance.

"A working shower. Without running water." Natasha pointed out. She shook her head. "That story's almost crazy enough to be true."

"How did you manage to lift the trash bin _and_ your mode of transport onto the helecarrier?" Vision piped up.

"Oh, that part was easy," Fury replied, "with the help of a glove that my momma gave me when I was just a boy."

"A glove…?" Scarlet Witch prompted.

"Yeah, but it was more like a gauntlet, not a glove. It was all gold, and had six gems stuck on it. With it, I could do _anything_. Of course, most of the time, I didn't wear it. I didn't want my peers thinking that I was taking the soft, easy way. No sir."

In the pause that followed, one could have heard a sword drop on Asgard.

"You possessed…the Infinity Gauntlet?!" Thor exclaimed, thoroughly shocked.

"You mean that thing that Thanos has been after?" Tony's head snapped up as he became actively involved in the conversation for the first time.

Thor launched himself towards the director, Mjolnir bristling and crackling with energy.

"WHERE IS IT?!" he roared, shoving the hammer almost into Fury's chest.

For once, Director Fury seemed almost frightened.

"I didn't know that was the Infinity Gauntlet!" he cried, holding his hands up. "I swear!"

"We don't care if you didn't know," Natasha hissed from where she sat.

"We just want to know where it is now," Wanda Maximoff finished, her eyes glowing red.

Fury fell silent, but only for a moment. The Avengers looked on, breath baited, trying to figure out for themselves where on earth the director might have put it.

"I put it on eBay for auction yesterday for five bucks," he finally stated.

"WHAT?!"

* * *

 _Several stressful minutes later…_

The Avengers huddled around a computer. Tony was sitting in the comfy desk chair with all of his teammates around him, their eyes glued to the screen. The Infinity Gauntlet was on sale, and the auction time was nearly up. Only three minutes remaining, and the price had only crawled up to $10. Most of the comments were rants on the part of customers, saying things about how fake the gauntlet looked compared to other models.

"10 dollars?" Tony sighed with relief. "No problem!" He casually typed in "$11", and sat back. Just as the timer struck 2 and a third minutes, the biding price skyrocketed to $10,000.

"What?!" Steve yawped, leaning forward.

"Who _is_ that?" Clint asked.

Tony glanced at the newest bidder. "TheMightyTitan?" he questioned. He turned to the rest of the group. "Anyone know who this loser is?"

Before anyone had time to respond, the Skype on the computer was mysteriously activated. The screen flickered, and a face appeared.

"It is I," a deep voice rumbled, "Thanos, the Titan!"

There was a collective gasp from the Avengers.

"Our greatest nemesis," Vision murmured.

"And I've come to claim what is rightfully mine," the purple-faced alien continued, "No matter what the cost!"

The Avengers turned away from the screen, gathering into a huddle.

"What're we gonna do?" Tony whispered.

"There's only one thing we _can_ do," Natasha responded.

"We're going to have to out-bid him," Dr. Banner concluded.

"Right, then," Thor glanced around. "For Asgard!"

"And the earth!" Steve put in.

They turned back to the computer. The timer ticked away.

"Only a minute remaining," Wanda declared.

Tony typed quickly, but didn't hit enter.

"Stark…" Steve began.

 _40 seconds remaining._

"You really might want to enter our price, Tony," Bruce said.

 _33 seconds remaining._

"What are you waiting for, Man of Iron?" Thor anguished.

"Hold it, Pointbreak; I know what I'm doing."

 _25 seconds remaining._

"Victory is mine," Thanos hummed, a grin spreading across his ugly face.

 _17 seconds remaining._

"Do it, Tony!" Vision prompted.

 _9 seconds remaining._

"I swear, Tony; if you don't put in our price _right now_ , Clint and I are gonna kill you," Natasha threatened. Tony suddenly leaned forward, fingers racing across the keys.

"$10,000…and a nickel!" He yelled, slamming down on the "enter" button.

The screen flashed red. The time was up; the bid was over.

There was a moment of silence. Then Clint began to sadly press the home phone number to his house. He would need to cry to his wife, and tell her how much he loved her and the kids.

Thor slumped to the ground in defeat, Mjolnir sliding to the ground. Wanda fell to her knees, screaming. The power shot out from her, destroying the screen of every computer (except for the one in the room they were in) within a 50-foot-radius.

Bruce clenched his fists, trying to keep his desperate rage contained. Natasha took his hand comfortingly. Vision floated into the air, getting ready to fly sadly away. Steve turned to walk from the room.

Tony spun around on the chair, looking at the rest of the team with some confusion.

"You guys," he said. "We made it. Just in time. We've got the Gauntlet!"

Immediately, the depressed atmosphere became one of victorious joy.

"What? No!" Thanos fumed. "I'm keeping it anyway!"

"You can't do that!" Tony was horrified. "That goes against eBay's Terms and Conditions!"

Thanos was a powerful villain, but he wasn't stupid. He knew when he had reached his limits.

"Fine, sorry," he ground out. The screen turned off, and Thanos' face disappeared. The Avengers decided to celebrate their momentous victory with shawarma.

"I'll get you next time, Avengers!" Thanos roared, shaking his fist. Then he settled back into flying chair and sulked.

* * *

 _End credits role_

* * *

 **So…yeah. This is how** _ **The Avengers: Infinity War**_ **should go. Just sayin'.**


End file.
